


Could this be enough?

by Gone_by_dawn



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: And He Knows It, But don’t worry no ones singing, Eliza is a cinnamon roll, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, It’s short but I promise it’s good, also there’s a lot of song lyric references from the play, and Alex doesn’t deserve her, but I was thinking about first burn and I had to, i never even read hamliza, lots of feels, much less write it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 04:33:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15259545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gone_by_dawn/pseuds/Gone_by_dawn
Summary: After the Reynold Pamphlet, Eliza’s heart breaks. She doesn’t need anyone, especially not Alex, to put it back together. But he does anyway because she deserves the world and he’s going to show her that.





	Could this be enough?

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I only ship Eliza with happiness and in this fic that means Alex so here it is

Normally when Eliza wonders if she could be enough for Alex, he doesn’t hear it. He didn’t hear it when he went to war, when she was pregnant with Philip, or when he became Secretary of Treasury. And how could he? She never said any of it to him.

But after the Reynolds Pamphlet, he hears it. Loud and clear. And he feels like a fool for not seeing it earlier, among other reasons. He’s already screwed himself over with that goddamn pamphlet. He admitting to being in an affair, he threw Maria into the spotlight, he ruined his name, and he lost the one person in his world who loved him more than anything. 

Eliza.

After the hurricane of grief and guilt over what he’s done hits him, he looks back at where he stands. He goes to the beginning, and suddenly it’s clear. He sees her drowning in him when they first meet, feelings washing over her faster than she can handle. _Helpless_. He sees the worry in Eliza’s eyes when he goes back to war after their wedding. _Stay alive_. He sees the relief when he’s sent home and she tells him about Philip, but the underlying fear it won’t be enough for him. _Would that be enough?_ He sees the frustration when he takes office. _Could I be enough?_ And then he sees the betrayal. He sees himself, single handedly ruining their marriage when he cheats on her, his Eliza, who had always stood by his side through it all. He sees her face when she finds out, falling from grief and terror. He sees her pain. And he sees her anger.

He’s never seen Eliza so mad before this. She was so kindhearted and amazing, he didn’t even think she had the capacity to hate. Not even Jeffeeson or Burr, not even Adams. Eliza never hated anyone, not when they dragged her husband’s name through the mud or stole her father’s seat in the senate. But he saw her hate him. He saw her hate the man who he had become, the man who left his family to flee into the arms of work, of another woman. He saw her hate him and he recognized it, because he hated him. He’s spent his life hating him, hating what he’s done, and then he became it. He became his father. It sickened Alex to the core, but he didn’t dare feel sorry for himself, not when he’d caused his love this much pain and hate. His love who didn’t even know how to hate. He’d showed her this, he _gave_ her this.

He wasn’t good enough for Eliza, he didn’t deserve her. He knew that. And now his worst fear had come true—she knew it too.

How could he have done this? To his family, to his love, to himself? He swore she’d never feel so helpless, as long as he’s alive. He swore they’d figure it out. He swore he’d be true. He swore it to her father, to her, to himself. He swore it and he’d been a damn liar.

Alex had spent so many years proving how smart he was to people, only to abandon his brains and think with his cock. He was a goddamn fool. But this wasn’t about him.

It was about Eliza. 

Eliza, the best thing his world, in her family’s world. The best thing _in_ the world. She blew him away, more than she could ever know. He fell in love with her, faster than he’d ever done anything in his entire life, and he loved her harder than he’d ever loved anyone before. She was beautiful and rich, yes, but she was so much more than that. She was forgiving and kind and brilliant and witty and patriotic and passionate. She was a good mother and an even better wife, he could imagine anyone more supportive. He couldn’t imagine anyone better than the girl he’d already had. And he still betrayed her.

So yes, he heard her. Her heard her ‘could this be enough?’ and her ‘could I be enough?’ and her ‘isn’t this enough?’ And finally, when she hated him, he’d heard her ‘Why wasn’t this enough?’

But it was. It was so much more than enough. It was so much more than he deserved, and he knew it, and he only hoped she knew it too.

No. Scratch that. This was no time for hoping. He’d caused this, and he was going to fix it, however long it took, even if it didn’t win her back. He needed to make this right. He was going to make sure she knew.

Which brought him back to now. His love, his life, his dearest Eliza stood in front of him. He saw the tears on her cheeks and chin, saw the hate and pain and betrayel in her eyes. And he heard her.

”Wasn’t I be enough?”

He heard her, and he spoke.

”Elizabeth Schuyler, you are my entire world, my love, my soul. You are the best thing that I have ever known and I ruined the one thing in my life that was perfect. I have not been the man or husband or father you deserve, the one that I promised. But I swear to you now on everything that I am and will ever be, you are enough. More than enough. So much more. You would be enough for me if you were penniless on the street, if you were blind, if you couldn’t have children. You are and always will be enough. And I’m going to show that to you from now and until the day I die.”

She cried more, tears spilling from her eyes. But some of the hate was gone, and some of her love was back. He was going to work every day to get the rest of it. He was going to work every day so that she was full of love again, and it’s time for herself.

He held her night as she cried and screamed. He held her until she exhausted herself and fell into sleep. He held her as she tossed and turned in the night. He held her when she woke up. He held he when she cried more, realizing it wasn’t a nightmare. He held her.

When she was fully conscious again, he kiss her on the forehead and whispered how much she meant to him. After he’d done that, he went into the kid’s rooms and gathered them.

”Kids,” he said, “your mother is very upset and it’s my fault. I hurt your Ma and I am going to fix it but it will take time. I want you to know that I love her and you guys very much. If you see her today looking upset hug her and tell her that.”

The older kids, Philip and some of his siblings, knew what he’d done. They’d read about it, read all of the details that he’d shared with the world, ruining his wife’s and his life. He looked his children in the eye then, and promised he would make things right for them. For their mother. Some of them believed him. Some didn’t. He was going to do it all the same.

Alexander made breakfast that morning. He’d never learned to cook, living off scraps all his life. The food was burnt and bad for the most part. But he made it, and he served each and every one of his children and then his wife. He ate a piece of toast by himself in the kitchen. He hadn’t earned a place at their table yet.

The next day was more of the same. And so was the next week, the next month. Every day Eliza woke to a kiss from ALex and a reminder that she was loved. He never made excuses, never defended the Pamphlet. He simply apologized, told his wife how much she meant to him, and promised to be better. For her. For the family.

Months passed. Everyday Eliza had a little less hate in her eyes, until the day she had none left to give. She was full of love again, and sure enough, this time she left some for herself. 

Eventually, she forgave Alex. The kids do too, though the younger ones weren’t yet aware what for. Eventually, he earned his seat back at their table. Eventually, he back his place in their bed, in his love’s heart. Eventually, he came close to deserving them. They were more than enough.

That didn’t stop him from reminding them of it. Every day, he told them as much, especially his wife. She no longer asked if she was enough. She knew. But he reminded her anyways. He had heard her, and never again was he going to be deaf. The family went through more hard times and struggles, but they did it as that. A family. No more shutting himself off. He let his wife inside his head, and into his heart. He showed them how much he cared.

They had always been enough for him. And now he was enough for them. Enough for her.

His love, his life. His happiness. His Eliza.

He loved them all fiercely until the day he died. And even what day came, he died knowing that he’d had the best of wives, the best of women.

He died by Eliza’s side, which, once upon a time, had been more than he deserved. Before, he’d brought hate into her heart. But now he brought love. His Eliza. Her Alexander.

He spanned his spark into a flame, but she kept it. 

She lived. He died. She told his story.

And everyone, everything—all of it, had been enough.


End file.
